Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Get yourself a lawyer, your shit is MINE!

So...my hubs has an STD.  Or maybe he doesn't, but because of his semi-young age he has to be treated for one even though he most likely just has some random ball infection.  (Scientifically known as: Randomius ballius infectionus.)  He also got to get tested for chlamydia and gonorrhea.  It was pretty cool.

See, I'm not suspicious in the least.  I'm far too awesome (and, let's face it, smoking hot) to be cheated on.  How do you trade up from me?  Not possible.  So I knew he didn't have an actual STD.  But if you think I let him off the hook that easily you clearly haven't been paying attention.  Here's the conversation we had on the phone when he was on his way home from the doctor's visit:

Scott: "Well, I have some kind of infection and because I'm under 35 I had to get tested and treated for chlamydia and gonorrhea.  I told the doctor that I didn't have an STD but she didn't believe me."

Me: "Holy crap Scott!  How could you?  I'm SOOOO taking half your shit.  And the cool shit like the PS3, not the lame shit like the vacuum.  Okay, maybe the vacuum.  It's a motherfucking Oreck.  That shit ain't cheap."

Scott: "Anyway.....it's probably just a regular testicular infection, but she said..."

Me: "And your beer brewing stuff.  That's mine.  Also your beard trimmer."

Scott: "ANYWAY, so she's putting me on antibiotics...wait, why would you want my beard trimmer?"

Me: "Dude, I use that shit ALL. THE. TIME.  I don't think I need to say more."

Scott: "You're seriously fucked up, do you know that?"

Me: "Oh!  And I'm taking the kids.  I'm going to start a rock band with them.  Sorta like Slayer except more violent."

Scott: "Are you quite finished?  I'd like to talk to my wife for a minute."

Me: "And your car.  Yeah, it's a piece of shit that I wouldn't drive if I were being chased by a pack of zombies, but fuck you, you know?"

Scott: *Sigh*

Me: "And I'm calling your mom.  I'm going to tell her that you clearly need Jesus and she should double, nay triple, her efforts where your soul is concerned.  I may even show up at her church looking all devout and shit.  Perhaps I'll bring the kids to sell it.  We'll light candles for your tainted soul."

Scott: *Click*

So the bottom line is: I'm a terrible wife.  No wait, the bottom line is that even though Scott doesn't actually have an STD, it is customary for all men under the age of 35 to be treated for them when any sort of infection occurs.  If you're thinking that 35 seems like an arbitrary cutoff for such things, you're right.  But I didn't go to medical school because my parents were too cheap to send me anywhere that wasn't going to be free.  So I guess I have to go with the flow on this STD thing.

Vishnu help him if the test comes back positive though...


  1. I decided divorce would take too much energy, so I bought my own beard trimmer, top of the line, of course. That said, 35 huh? I think they should test guys as a matter of routine anyway, with a really long Q-tip, while they are strapped down on a gurney, in stirrups. I think that'd be fair. Oh, frozen Q-tip. Yeah, now that's fair. And siccing his mom on him... that's serious business.

  2. Genius. This is how it will be when I become Evil Overlord.