Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I don't think stuff like this happens to normal people

So tonight I learned a couple of valuable lessons while shopping at the mall.  

First, it seems that most people, upon finding themselves locked out of a dressing room, go and get the salesperson to unlock it.  What they do not do is crawl under the door laughing like a deranged hyena.  Apparently people crawling around on the floor makes others in the dressing rooms nervous.  I guess they're afraid that I might see their Justin Bieber undies or something.  Whatevs dude, I just wanted my purse back.  There's tens of dollars in there.  So to everyone at the Fat Girl Store (aka Lane Bryant): I apologize.  And get new underwear.  You're like forty five.  

The next valuable mall-related lesson I learned tonight is to avoid smelling things at Bath and Body Works. From my understanding when most of you open a bottle of lotion and take a whiff it goes off without a hitch. Not so for me.  I opened a bottle of their Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion and somehow it ended up all over me.  And the shelf.  And the lotion bottle.  Fortunately there was a mirror right there so I got to see myself in all my non-normal glory.  At this point I had the chance to salvage some dignity by quickly and discreetly wiping the lotion off.  But of course that's not what I did.  Nope, I decided it would be more fun to give myself a mustache with it.  But given that it was white it looked like something..........else.  The best part was that my mom was there and she had to pee quite badly.  She couldn't stop laughing (because face it, I'm hilarious).  My shenanigans almost cost her a pair of pants and undies (probably Bieber...lame ass).  At that point I was getting strange looks from several clerks, customers and a child in a stroller.  In other words, nothing new.  

All in all I didn't accidentally kill myself or others and I didn't get arrested, although it was touch and go there for awhile.  I'm calling it a win.  


  1. Haha you make me laugh like no other.

  2. Picture my mom doubled over in pain laughing. It was fucking glorious. How many girls can have a laugh about something like that with their moms?

  3. ok girl we are so going to the mall when I visit. Although I am not sure they will be able to handle the 2 of us. Oh and I am not sure that is legal lol