Monday, November 26, 2012

To commit oneself or not to commit oneself...that is the question.

Lately I've been noticing that my brain never really shuts up.  Yeah, yeah, I know, my mouth doesn't shut up much either, but my brain is worse.  I'm wondering if this is normal(ish) or if I've gone even farther off the deep end than I already was.  So I'm going to give you an example of how my brain works and you tell me: do call the dudes in white coats or not?

Before I begin, I need to explain that my brain answers itself.  While doing so it switches between first and third person pretty much constantly.  So...strike one, right?  Anyway, I'll do the first 'person' in black and the second in blue.  I'll do my commentary about my internal commentary in red.  (Strike two...)

Ladies and gentlemen (or, more appropriately for you lot: freaks and slightly less freaky freaks), here's what it's like to live in my brain for a minute or so.  

Dude, (Yep, I say dude even in my mind) I know I was supposed to do something today.  I wonder what it was. Probably something important for the kids.  Fuck Amy, you're a sucky mom.  Jesus!  I want to listen to some Alice in Chains.  Why did that dude have to die anyway?  Shit, what was it that I was trying to remember?  Seriously I am a terrible mom!  BAH!  Nickelback!  Damn you straight to hell Pandora!  What about my station would make you think I want to hear that garbage?  I wonder if Scott has been messing with it.  I shall kill him.  Now seriously, what was I supposed to be doing?  Do you remember?
Nope, and I don't care.  Can we eat yet?  Seriously, there's a big ass carton of ice cream in there that isn't going to eat itself.  You haven't washed dishes in like three days though so you're gonna need to find a plastic spoon or something.  Maybe your finger.  I mean...the boy is two.  He isn't gonna tell anyone that you're eating that shit like a pig at a trough.  And even if he does just say, "Ha! Kids!" and look at him like he's a lunatic ass motherfucker.  
Stop, you're why we're fat.  And weird.  Help me think.  What was it?  Something to do with school?  SHIT!  Was I supposed to volunteer today?  No...what was it? Oh cool!  The neighbors are getting a pool.  Now that hot girl will be out there in her bikini so Scott can stare at her and I can pretend to give a shit even though we both know I don't because I'm staring too. I want a pool.  Also a Mercedes.  But I'd probably just wreck it.  I do that you know. 
Yeah, you have lesbian tendencies and suck at driving, blah blah.  Who cares?  Let's eat.  Also, I kinda want to blow off cleaning the house today and play Skyrim.  Or maybe argue with some idiots on the internet.  
Seriously, this is why people think we're weird.
No, people think you're weird because you won't stop talking.  Ever.  Like not even for a minute.  I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here most of the time.  But again, food.  How about we go to Bread Co.?  (Panera for those outside of St. Louis.  And Tammy.)  I want some soup.  We can get Starbucks while we're there.  You know, they're next door and shit.  Maybe that hot Australian dude will be there.  Also, it's fucked up that Bread Co. doesn't have baked potato soup on Saturdays anymore.  We should write a letter.  
Yeah, but it seems like a silly thing to worry about when kids are starving and shit.  Plus, a letter?  What is this, 1996?  We'll Facebook those bitches.  First World problems are still problems, right?  Hey remember that time the lady in the Lexus was behind us at the Starbucks drive thru and asked the barista to walk next door to the Bread Co. and bring it to her car?  
Yeah she was a turd.  So what's the ETA on some food?  
We should eat healthier.  Here's a banana. 
Dude, remember the time you ate that rancid banana for $30?  That was bad ASS.  You're AWESOME!
Dude, I AM awesome!  And hungry.  I think I'm going to eat some Oreos.  I wonder if Charlie's hungry.  
Don't tell him about the cookies!  If you do that, you'll have to share and there's only like eight Oreos left!  
I'll give him the banana.  Then I get to eat all of the Oreos AND feel like a good mom because the kid is getting vitamins and shit.  Self five!
Self five.  

So?  Crazy or no?  My brain and I are on pins and needles!

1 comment:

  1. Well if your crazy add me to the list too. I swear it was like you were in my head. And who doesn't say DUDE in their head?? Those are the people who should be locked up I tell you. Anyway now I want some oreos and I know I don't have any, I wonder if I an get John to go to the store. Course the grocery is closed so he'll have to go to the jackass (yes real name) . . . wait what were we talking about??? . . . Oh yeah Oreo's!!! Who wants a cokkie??