Saturday, November 10, 2012

You, sir, are scary. And if I'm saying it, it should really tell you something, because I've got a high tolerance for weird.

Most of my friends know about my insane neighbor, but since he struck again today I figured I'd go ahead and share the story in its entirety.

Shortly after we moved in, our neighbor K, his wife C and some super old lady who I'm hoping they didn't steal from a nursing home came to our house to welcome us.  They gave us fresh bread and he gave us his business card.  Apparently he is a photographer/videographer or something.  So far, so good.  The next thing he gave us, however, was the first sign of trouble to come.  Apparently he had been taking pictures of our house as it was being built and saved them to a flash drive.  Okay, a little odd, but not yet scary.  For shits and grins we looked at the pictures.  Then it got weird.  Out of 220+ pictures, right around half of them were close ups of shirtless construction workers who clearly  had no idea they were being photographed.  One young man with a nipple ring was featured in over thirty photographs.  So our 'creepy ass motherfucker' radar started going off.  And we returned the flash drive as quickly as humanly possible, because we didn't want to become accessories to whatever freaky shit was going on over there.  

We sat back and started thinking about this.  Did he forget those pictures were on there?  Because there's no way anyone sane would give those to someone else, right?  I mean, obviously we would think that shit was creepy!  So was it a mistake, or did he really not think it was weird?  Either way....ewwwwww.

So we kept our distance, because...dude.  Our next encounter with K was one day when I was out back with the kids.  Kenz was swinging and Charlie was probably eating bugs or something.  Maybe vandalizing some property or promoting his pimping business, I'm not sure.  I was reading so how the hell should I know what he was doing?  Anyway, suddenly K is standing two feet away from me.  He's like a ninja, I'm serious. He looks at me and says, "I know all you women are all in to the royal wedding.  Are you going to watch it and dream of being a princess?"  Well, it's quite obvious that he doesn't know me or else he'd have led with "How 'bout those Cardinals?" or "Dude, have you played Skyrim yet?"  But in the interest of being polite I said that it wasn't really my thing but I did hear a lot of women were interested.  He then said, "You probably like it and just don't want to admit it," and left.  Okaaaayyyy....

A few weeks later it was spring and K and C's plants were coming up.  These people are obsessed with their plants.  I don't even know how to describe the relationship they have with them.  If I had to do so with one word I'd go with 'inappropriate'.  Anyway, Scott's brother was over and sitting on our couch.  He'd been sitting there kind of quietly for about a half hour glancing sporadically out the window and suddenly said, "Why is your neighbor going from plant to plant, laying down on his stomach to examine it and then writing on a clipboard?"  We all peeked out and sure as shit there was K, laying on the ground, gently rubbing a tree while writing on a clipboard.  Now, if he had some sort of prize-winning garden or something I would still think he was odd, but at least I could remotely see a justification for the behavior.  But the dude has a bunch of random bushes and two trees.  This occurs every weekend from spring through fall.  Every. Weekend.  

Here is a list of the other things he has done.  Some we have witnessed, some we were told about by other neighbors who are equally freaked out.

-He has been seen looking at neighbors' gas meters and writing the information down on a clipboard.
-He has been caught using binoculars to look into windows.  He didn't seem to think this was inappropriate.  You could tell this by the fact that he was standing on a huge landscaping rock at the entrance to our section of the subdivision at the time.  On his tiptoes.
-He and C drive their car around the neighborhood and stop in front of each house at least a few times a month to do Krishna only knows what.  They talk about something and then move on.  You'd think they wouldn't stop and stare at your house if you were outside at the time.  You'd be wrong.
-He has called city hall to complain that a two story house was being build nearby that would block his view of the sunset and was angry when they refused to revoke the building permit.  
-He sneaks into houses that are under construction late at night, stays inside for an hour or so and then comes out to go home.  I'm not sure what's going on in there and I have no interest in finding out.  I'll just say that I check the sex offender list regularly. 
-Every time we play in our back yard he stares at us out the windows to make sure the kids don't accidentally put a toe on his lawn.  Sometimes he comes and stands on the patio to stare at us instead.  
-He is one of those people that hands out religious pamphlets for Halloween instead of candy, and then wonders why the neighborhood kids routinely skip his house.  
-He stalks people.  I mean literally.  He follows them around the neighborhood to watch them.  He also stares out his windows waiting for neighbors to get home so that he can accost them with his nonsense about how they must have roaches because he found one in his kitchen and there's no way they could have come from his house, or that their sprinkler watered 2.783 centimeters of his lawn and he didn't like it, etc., etc., etc. 

Anyway, today I watched him move the new neighbor's survey stake because he didn't like where it was.  You know, because you get to just decide where your property line is.  That's totally how it works.  Then the neighbor came out to discuss it with him and K laid down in the grass and started explaining where he thought the imaginary line was.  I shit you not, this went on for over an hour.  I didn't want to watch, but it was like a train wreck.  The new guy would take a few steps away, K would follow him.  He'd point at his watch and try to turn around and K would keep talking.  Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse for the poor bastard, C came out.  Double teamed!  The whole conversation started over.  Now both K and C were on the ground pointing out the imaginary lines.  At one point K pulled chalk out of his pocket and tried to draw a line on the grass.  I shit you not.  That shit is official, y'all.  Nothing says, "Permanent and legally binding" like chalk.  I'm convinced they'd still be out there talking if it weren't for the fact that a piece of plastic blew off of an under construction house down the road and landed in K's yard.  He turned to look at it (probably making a mental note to remember to call the builder and complain that his grass blades were bent) and the new neighbor fucking bolted.  It was glorious.  

So this dude is a psycho.  And I get to live behind him.  Woo fucking hoo.  

Fortunately for me, my lovely husband has made it abundantly clear that he is no fan of K's by shooting hate rays from his eyes whenever he sees him and giving the distinct impression that he is trying to blow up his head using the Force.  This has kept K from speaking to me and my children for the past year or so.  SCORE!

Unfortunately for my poor new neighbor, he seems to have made a friend.  I'll be watching for the 'For Sale' sign.  Should be any day now...


  1. I would totally mess with them if I had neighbors like that. You know, if they are going to watch, give them something good to watch. Get your own clipboard too! And ask him if he does snuff videos.