Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Santa is fucking tired.

What up?  Christmas is over!!!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!  I mean, watching the kids open 3,298 gifts is fun and all, but when you get down to it, you're just watching them open the next batch of garage sale crap.

I know there are a bunch of people who loooove Christmas.  Some of them love it because of some baby who later became a zombie or something.  Some of them love it because they like hanging out with their families (who must be much different than mine).  Some love it because they like winter.  Those people are insane and should be placed on some kind of government watch list.  Seriously...winter SUCKS.

Anyway, I tolerate Christmas and like it on occasion.  But mostly it just stresses me out and makes me wish I lived in Timbuktu so I could just ignore it and not face the pressure of making each Christmas THE MOST MAGICAL TIME OF THE YEAR!

This year was quite magical from a 'holy shit I'm surrounded by lunatics' standpoint.  We have so far had four Christmases.  And it's been interesting.

Christmas 1: Christmas Eve Morning at my folks' house.

This one was pretty tame.  I mean sure Scott and I spent the morning making everyone nauseated by making constant jokes about our sex life, but that's every day.

Christmas 2: Christmas Eve Night at my father-in-law's house.

This is usually a pretty fun event.  And it was I guess.  But the boy had explosive diarrhea.  It was awesome. Fucking kids.  Also, my sister-in-law just couldn't help herself and had to make the following statement: "Your kids are just awesome.  It just doesn't make sense than an atheist would have such kind and respectful kids."  Then she walked away shaking her head in confusion.  While I flipped her off behind her back.  Whore.

Christmas 3: Christmas Morning at Home.

The kids slept until 8:30 because, despite the efforts to try to kill me, they love me.  Seriously, what kids sleep in on Christmas?  Mine!  Suck it!  Anyway, they opened a zillion and a half presents and I sat there thinking that if we chilled out a bit on Christmas gifts purchases I probably wouldn't have to work anymore.  We spend that much.  Apparently we turn into Mr. and Mrs. Rockefeller for like 3 weeks at the end of the year and then return back to debt-ridden fools the rest of the year.  But whatever, they had fun so screw it.

Christmas 4: Christmas Night With the Mother-In-Law.

Always the least fun of all is Christmas night.  We see the same people that we just saw on Christmas Eve except instead of Scott's dad and step mom  we see his mom.  It's stupid.   And a waste of time.  Whatever. So we get there and almost immediately I smell it: weed.  It's a strong ass smell.  Coming from my atheist-comment making sister-in-law and her husband.  Apparently hypocrisy smells like reefer.  I'll be damned.

Dinner is served and suddenly my ten-year-old niece is yammering on about the Connecticut shootings, an event about which Mackenzie has not been informed on the grounds that she is SIX.  So I nicely say that not everyone knows about that or needs to and ask her to please stop.  Then my nineteen-year-old niece (who I assume wasn't listening) says loudly: "Well he was just trying to kill as many people as he could at that school.  He didn't care that they were kindergartners "  *Facepalm*  Awesome.  I make a mental note to prepare for questions in the coming days.

Finally dinner is over and we're sitting around the table talking.  My niece is talking about a teacher at school who is kinda strange and my sister-in-law says, "Is she on drugs or something?"  My niece replies, "No, she's a teacher, of course she's not on drugs!"  Then my sister-in-law (yep, the same one with the weed and hypocrisy) says, "Well so am I and I love pills!" and launches into a speech about how much she enjoys drinking and medicines that were not, technically, prescribed to her.  *More facepalm*  Seriously?  Really?  That's how this is gonna go?  We're gonna point out to children that not only do some teachers use drugs, but that their own aunt does?  Awesome.

So, that's that.  So far.  I have my mom's side of the family coming over next weekend, and that's always a barrel of fun too.  I'll keep you posted.  But first, I'm gonna play Mass Effect 3 for a day or four.

Merry Christmas and shit!

2 comments:

  1. See! This is why I make it a point to live too far away to visit family during the holidays. :D

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  2. Which is why you are a genius. A crazy ass genius, but a genius all the same. ;)

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